DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS: Beauty Tips for Getting Your Sad Ass Out of The House*

*Leaving the house optional, alcohol obviously even more optional, hangover SUPER optional

There are the times when you are literally incapable of leaving your goblin lair and interacting with other human beings, and then there are the times when you could, conceivably, do that. It’s not exactly that you WANT to, like who can remember the last time you actively WANTED anything, hahaha choking sob, but, you know, it’s possible that you could get out for one night, and it would even presumably be a good idea, who knows, what difference does it make. WELL, LISTEN UP, LIL BUDDY, YOU CAN DO IT, AND HERE IS HOW: WITH TIPS!

1. Take time to gear up.

If you get that text at 4pm inviting you out at 9, that’s five luxurious hours to get used to the idea. If you are me, you will want to use that time to talk yourself out of it. FUCKIN DO NOT! Distract yourself with a time-consuming self-improvement activity that someone will notice when you leave the house, like dyeing your own hair or giving yourself miscellaneous sharpie tattoos. I like to put on an all-Beyonce playlist and do really involved nail art projects.


HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT! You can’t not leave now. Someone needs to appreciate your hard work.

2. Wear one item that you were already wearing as PJs anyway.

This is a good time to be a depressed person, fashion-wise, because so many things that ASOS models wear are also pajamas! Throw on a belt or necklace or a bunch of jangly distracting bracelets and suddenly you’re KILLING IT. Observe:


No Macklemomo, but this shirt literally belonged to my grandpa.


What is a shirt tbh


Praise the Lord, we live in an historical moment when leggings are considered real pants. This is a precious time. Seize it. PACK YOUR GORGEOUS THIGHS IN SPANDEX AND WANDER THE PUBLIC STREETS WHILE U CAN


If anyone asks, IT’S A FUCKIN JUMPSUIT.


I chose the Anthropologie “lounge top” visible in our lead image up there.





Necklace, bracelet, gold-ass rangz, Nail Swag, neon lipstick, one popped hip: suddenly it’s an Outfit.

3. Wear one item that only women invariably compliment.

I’m coming at this from a “person at least partially attracted to dudes” standpoint; if you’re not, you can be like “duh” and move on. However, I find that when I go out in search of validation and am depressed, I want like 10% gross erection-based compliments — like, I still want a couple of those, feel free to give me one of those, if only because I yearn for a target at which to direct the terrifying full-brain stinkeye rage that fuels me every second, just as long as you don’t fuckin touch me — and about 90% Embrace of Transcendent Sisterhood. (The embrace of transcendent sisterhood can also come from dudes, by the way. You know what I mean.) That is why it is key to wear an item that women love. Unusually-colored lipstick and eyeshadow are such items, for example.  I am going with these Shit Kicking Boots.


Not to gender-generalize, as I have done throughout this idiotic section, but chicks dig these. Dudes, as a rule, do not notice them. Perfect.

4. Selfie game: mysterious, tragic middle-distance-gazing.

If your brain works like mine, you will at some point be so overwhelmed by the stress of HAVING HUMAN FRIENDS that you will need to go sit by yourself for ten to eighteen minutes and hyperventilate into your drink while screaming internally. You can of course do this in the bathroom, as I generally do, but on the off-chance that all the stalls are taken, you may be driven to a public area. Practice looking amazing while doing it.


What enigmatic sadness possesses her? people will think, watching you covertly. I’d better leave her to contemplate it. (If they approach you and you don’t want to be approached, I find that a gentle smile and a “Sorry, I don’t speak English,” especially when delivered in a way that makes it plain that you DO speak English, generally gets the point across.)

5. You don’t have to be a fun person.

It’s okay! I know you think you have to entertain everybody all the time, but you really don’t. You can’t right now anyway. It will come across manic and frightening, like one of those horrible grinning monkey toys.


It’s okay. You can just kind of sit around like a dope. You made it out! You did the thing! You’re amazing. If you want to teach everybody the “Wobble Wobble” dance, you can, but you don’t have to. You can just be there and listen to other people. Or you can go dance in a circle if you get the energy. Or you can drink your water and smile gently at everyone. “My friends. I’m so lucky.”

5a. Set a time when you can leave.

Midnight is nice. If you have a set time, then you’ll feel less like you’re FORCING YOURSELF TO HAVE FUN and more like this is just a thing you’re doing! And you probably will have fun! You’d be surprised! I mean, you will forget that you had fun ten minutes later, but you did. 

5b. Try to say goodbye to at least one of your friends before you scuttle out the back door like an earwig.

They worry when you just vanish, you know?

6. Drink water.

Otherwise you will come home and your pet’s life will instantly become a living hell. 



I have like 7 pictures of myself doing this in Photobooth. Why? Why.

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