Glut Your Soul on My Accursed Ugliness

taliamailman asked: SERIOUSLY. tell me about rag curlers!!! will it make my hair like brigitte bardot's hair? what about soda cans??

I GOT THIS ONE LADIES. By “Brigitte Bardot” do you mean “a wooly lamb”/”a toy poodle”/”the mean one from Little House on the Prairie?”

Because if so, it sure will! Let’s walk through those steps.

PRELUDE: make your rags. Basically cut an old t-shirt into strips — like, 2 inches wide and maybe 8 long. if you make them too short you won’t be able to tie them, or you’ll tie your own hair in knots, which is painful and embarrassing. I do it a lot so I would know.

1. When you get out of the shower, comb through your hair with some leave-in conditioner & curl definer. I used bumble & bumble because i got it as a present, though I think I actually like the cheaper Tigi stuff better? BUT DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU FROM BUYING ME EXPENSIVE HAIR PRODUCTS, EVERYONE!

2. if you have a lot of hair, as i do, it is easiest to do this in layers. clip the top and middle layers up on top of your head, so you have a kind of drowned-rat mullet hanging down. 

3. take a rag and wrap one small section of hair around it, then tie the rag in a (LOOSE) knot at the root. i did not take pictures of this because how the hell would that work, physically, so here instead is a very good illustration i drew for you:

In my experience, it is important to minimize the craziness of your results by curling your hair over the rag, not under. in other words:

4. continue until all your hair is tied up. at this point you should have achieved a look that i would call “medusa styled by gwen stefani in 1997.”

5. go to sleep! the nice thing about rag curlers as opposed to, say, goddamn SODA CANS, is that you can sleep on them quite comfortably without worrying about fucking up your curls too bad.

6. in the morning, untie the rags and pull them out of your hair. At this point your results may be horrific.

For the record, I have really naturally curly hair and it’s a little too short to be ideal for this; your results may not be quite so alarming.  When I take them out though I look like some kind of Orthodox Sideshow Bob. That’s okay! Separate the curls with your fingers and they will fall into pleasant well-defined waves. (I hear that straighter-haired ladies should actually brush them out? I can’t personally endorse this technique but the internet seems to be okay with it so.)

6. Forget to take a picture. That’s okay! Take a picture in the bathroom at work! That won’t be unflattering at all.

WHATEVER. as you can hopefully see from this photo, my hair is super-curly and not actually all that frizzy, as it would usually be after having been slept on. True story: this morning my boss actually asked me if I had gotten a haircut or if it was just curlier, and added that “either way it looks so cute!” RAG CURL SUCCESS!