DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS: Beauty Tips for Getting Your Sad Ass Out of The House*

*Leaving the house optional, alcohol obviously even more optional, hangover SUPER optional

There are the times when you are literally incapable of leaving your goblin lair and interacting with other human beings, and then there are the times when you could, conceivably, do that. It’s not exactly that you WANT to, like who can remember the last time you actively WANTED anything, hahaha choking sob, but, you know, it’s possible that you could get out for one night, and it would even presumably be a good idea, who knows, what difference does it make. WELL, LISTEN UP, LIL BUDDY, YOU CAN DO IT, AND HERE IS HOW: WITH TIPS!

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Miss Piggy On Beauty

homeisaheartbeat:

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What are your top beauty tips?

Start out perfect and don’t change a thing. Always accentuate your best features by pointing at them. And conceal your flaws by sucker punching anyone who has the audacity to mention them.

(via thedameloves)

nighterrand:

Want to explore a creepy orphanage left to the whims of sadistic children — while dodging bullies, skeletal guidance counselors, and cardboard dragons? Thought so. Check out the just-launched Kickstarter for “Our Darker Purpose,” a King Lear-inspired indie video game designed by my (strange, brilliant) boyfriend.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1750899614/our-darker-purpose-0

Not exactly beauty-related, but can a Darker Purpose-inspired makeup tutorial really be far behind?

nighterrand:

Want to explore a creepy orphanage left to the whims of sadistic children — while dodging bullies, skeletal guidance counselors, and cardboard dragons? Thought so. Check out the just-launched Kickstarter for “Our Darker Purpose,” a King Lear-inspired indie video game designed by my (strange, brilliant) boyfriend.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1750899614/our-darker-purpose-0

Not exactly beauty-related, but can a Darker Purpose-inspired makeup tutorial really be far behind?

I totally wouldn’t mind wearing these taped up, but I can’t figure out what process of loop-de-loops and boy-scout knots makes the tape actually work. I just glom a bunch of freezer tape on there and wait, sadly, for the glasses to sag their way down my face.

Maybe duct tape?

I totally wouldn’t mind wearing these taped up, but I can’t figure out what process of loop-de-loops and boy-scout knots makes the tape actually work. I just glom a bunch of freezer tape on there and wait, sadly, for the glasses to sag their way down my face.

Maybe duct tape?

Too impatient to wait overnight (or even an hour), so I took them out early. My real mistake was doing my bangs (GAH) so I’m going to spare you all that. I think I look like a ~1990 Skipper doll, but that’s okay by me. I have stick-straight hair, so ANY texture, even frizz-curl-puff, delights me.

Thanks, Glut!

PS: the tutorial isn’t kidding about the 8” long cloth strips — I foolishly ignored that part, cut them like 4” long, and ended up with all my hair tied to itself. Ouch.

Too impatient to wait overnight (or even an hour), so I took them out early. My real mistake was doing my bangs (GAH) so I’m going to spare you all that. I think I look like a ~1990 Skipper doll, but that’s okay by me. I have stick-straight hair, so ANY texture, even frizz-curl-puff, delights me.

Thanks, Glut!

PS: the tutorial isn’t kidding about the 8” long cloth strips — I foolishly ignored that part, cut them like 4” long, and ended up with all my hair tied to itself. Ouch.

putting our own methods to the test

Guys! I’m doing the rag curler treatment today. I’m going to try to follow these instructions to the letter, but secretly, I’m sort of hoping I end up with the woolly lamb look rather than the lovely tumbling curls illustrated here, if only to surprise the hell out of my boyfriend when he gets home.

Anyway, before I get started (and I will be posting a result photo), I just wanted to let you know that because I was lazy and didn’t go straight to Tumblr for the instructions — I Googled “glut your soul rag curls” instead — I discovered, to my delight, that the sixth search result for this combination of words actually leads you to Book 10 of the Aeneid.

Auspicious, right?

sashayed:

Photographs by Jason Elon Goodman.

Pro-tip:

If you get a bad hair cut, keep your hair in a French braid until it grows out.
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Seriously though: why do hairdressers always want to cut your hair as short as they can? And why can’t you try on a hairdresser like you can try on clothes? And if you’re spending more than $20 on a cut, why does the hairdresser just cut straight across? My mom can do that free.
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Ok. I’m venting. But. If you do get a careless haircut, I DO recommend the French braid. But! Before you put it up, here are some things you can do to shape it a little over the comfort of your bathroom sink:

Edge the sides: take a barbers scissor in one hand and the front of your hair in the other (one side at a time). At about cheekbone level, graze the front of the hair and move the scissors down as you cut. Hold the hair very taught. Now your hair will frame your face! Since my hair is parted on the left, I like to make the right side a little shorter than the left.

Cut chunks: this is a thing! I learned it from some punks in Minneapolis, but it’s brilliant and easy. Just grab a hold of some top pieces and cut. Try to hold the scissors up as you do it so you don’t look like a layer cake. Also, just grab the TOP PIECES. Otherwise, you’ll end up with uneven hair (unless that’s your thing, which is great).

Cut up: again, hold the scissors up and cut the bottom layer. You don’t want to make it uneven, which is the hard part… It’s easier to have a friend do this, but possible to do alone, too. Grab the bottom of the hair and make the cuts vertically, like the way your hair goes. This will give your hair some body and lift and gets rid of that ugly “I just had someone cut my hair BADLY and straight across” look.

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Ok. I would have done, like, a YouTube tutorial, but I have no Internet and also, I was snotty and sobbing from the terribleness of the haircut. Trauma. I feel for Sampson. Poor Sampson.

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If someone finds me a good hairdresser, I will be the most grateful.

YOU GUYS! I don’t wear usually wear bright pink lipstick, both because it is too early-June optimist for my general m.o., and also because I live in Washington D.C., like honestly what is the point. What am I going to do, wear it to the Air and Space museum? Ain’t nobody impressed by your courageous garishness in the nation’s capitol! I am also not usually into Maybelline; I am not one of those weird “ooooo their mascaraaaaa is BETTER THAN ALL THE REAL MASCARAS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT TWIGGY USED!!!!” evangelists. (No offense to the many beloved evangelists of my acquaintance.) No, I pay $25 for my fancy-ass French mascara, because it’s better. If Twiggy had known about modern mascara science she wouldn’t have worn that clumpy-ass bullshit either.

HOWEVER. I picked this lipstick up at CVS on a hungover whim, and now i’m obsessed with it. It’s tacky in a sexy, Barbie Bitch Hot Mess way; it layers well with deep reds or pastel pinks if you wanna get fancy; it feels creamy and pleasant on, and it lasts. I’m gonna pair it with zebra-striped nails* and wear it to my staid editorial job and see how long it takes me to get fired. Worth it! (Maybelline ColorSational Lipstick in Fuchsia Fever, $7.50.)

*my nails in the above illustration are also some cheap-ass drugstore hotness: Revlon Nail Enamel in Blue Lagoon, $5.)